Obama Girl Stimulates… (Funny Vid)

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Tags: Barely Political, Obama, Stimulus

Human Resource Terms Translated

COMPETITIVE SALARY = Most of our competitors don’t pay much either.

"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY" = We have no time to train you.

"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE" = You’ll be here very late, very often — might as well be comfortable.

"MUST BE DEADLINE-ORIENTED" =Your first four projects are already way overdue.

"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED" = Did we mention that you’ll be here very late, very often? And most weekends.

"DUTIES WILL VARY" = Anyone in the office can boss you around.

"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL" = We have no quality control.

"CAREER-MINDED" = Female applicants must be childless.

"APPLY IN PERSON" = If you’re old, fat or ugly, that position has already been filled.

"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE" = This job listing is just a legal formality. The position was filled by some executive’s nephew.

"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE" = Due to consolidation, you’ll be replacing three people.

"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST" = This company is a total mess.

"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS" = You’ll have all the responsibilities of upper management, without the pay, title or respect.

"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS" = Listen to management, figure out what they want, don’t ask too many questions and get the sh*t done.

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gynecologist becomes a mechanic

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO
paperwork and got burned out.

Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial;
he decided to become a mechanic.

He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes,
attended diligently and learned all he could.

When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist
prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back he was surprised to find that he had obtained
a score of 150%.

Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, "I don’t want to
appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if  there
is an error in the grade.

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart
perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine
back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."

After a pause the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you
did it all through the muffler."

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Letter From Home

Dearest Redneck Son,

I’m writing this slow because I know you can’t read fast. We don’t live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved. I won’t be able to send you the address because the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn’t have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I’m not sure about it. I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven’t seen them since.

The weather isn’t bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days..

About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy Bob said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven’t found out what it is yet so I don’t know if you are an aunt or uncle.

Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated, he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn’t get the tailgate down!

There isn’t much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened.

Your Favorite Aunt,

Mom

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Tags: funny, Humor, jokes, redneck

Words of Wisdom from Larry

1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They’re the only culture some people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

14. OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, ‘What the heck happened?’

22. Just remember — if the world didn’t suck, we would all fall off.

23. Light travels faster than sound. That’s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

24. Life isn’t like a box of chocolates. it’s more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

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Tags: Larry, Larry The Cable Guy. humor, wisdom

And then there was a fight

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.

I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me’ and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too’

And THAT is when the FIGHT started…..

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Tags: fight, Humor, joke, senior

“You know you’re a redneck when……”

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.

3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.

5. You think "The Nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive.

6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.

7.You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don’t want it.  

8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.

10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.

13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.

14. You’ve been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

15. You go to the stock car races and don’t need a program.

16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

17. You have a rag for a gas cap.

18. Your house doesn’t have curtains, but your truck does.

19. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-room’s so clean.

20. You can spit without opening your mouth.

21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.

22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.

24. The biggest city you’ve ever been to is Wal-Mart.

25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.

26. You’ve used your ironing board as a buffet table.

27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.

28. You’ve used a toilet brush to scratch your back.

29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.

30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65

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Tags: funny, list, redneck, redneck humor

Talk About Wasted

An Irishman’s been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally says that the bar is closing.

So the Irishman stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures he’ll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the 4 blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door he stands up and falls flat on his face.

He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.

He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him. "So, you’ve been out drinking again!"

"What makes you say that?" He asks as he puts on an innocent look.

"The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."

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Oh So True!

Thanks to Scot McKay for sharing this on Twitter!

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Are Your Children Prepared For The Apocalypse?

Are Violent Video Games Adequately Preparing Children For The Apocalypse?

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